1. It is impossible to find your way round without a map and, if you do get lost, the women in the windows aren’t interested in giving you directions.
2. You need to look up in Amsterdam, if you keep looking at ground level you’re missing the architecture. Also you’re probably a perv.
3. Good news: the car drivers aren’t trying to kill you.
4. Bad news: cyclists and tram drivers are trying to kill you.
5. Even in Amsterdam the bar staff are Australian.
6. In mainland Europe all hotels must feature neon lighting in the bar. It’s the law.
7. You know how in the UK nowhere accepts Solo or Maestro, in Holland it’s the other way round.
8. Blacklights mean sleaze in any country and no one believes that look of innocent surprise so stop pretending.
9. It’s quite hard to be more inefficient than Heathrow but Schiphol likes a challenge.
10. Beer brewed by monks should be consumed with care. Alcohol and religious zeal do not mix well as anyone who’s been to a Swansea Vs. Cardiff game can attest.