I have, for the last few months, been moving my remaining stuff (known hereafter as shit) from my parent’s house having finally purchased my own pad.
Anyway I finally started to sort through some of it and came across the Box. Every writer be they professional, amateur or aspiring has a Box, many have several. Anyway this was mine and I had a lot of embarrassing fun with G going through my scribblings dating back quite a long time.
Thing is: I’m not very organised, not at all, not in any way and the box had a couple of other things including some stuff that wasn’t written by me. One of these items was a piece written in my teens by a friend of mine, D, when, let’s face it, I was a bit of a handful.
Anyway it made me smile, it made G smile and I thought bugger it, I’ll post it here.
So indulge with me if you will, a spot of time travel.
The year is 1995, Country House is the song of the summer, the Tories are still in power, my hair is past my shoulders and a man more sarcastic than me has just put pen to paper:
Neil Beynon: The Man, The Myth, The Movie
In true gothic style, Neil Beynon makes his screen debut in the best horror/fantasy/comedy/thriller/action picture this year.
The list of accolades goes on forever:
New Enemies! Evil landlords, Men in Pubs and King C. Gilette! New Music! The Facial Hair Quartet: P**l T****r, W***e M****s, S***e H******s & K***h C******t
Watch Neil battle demon barmen in the greatest pubs ever seen!
Marvel at the swordplay and Vat drinking. Award winning special effects: Watch the Caffrey’s disappear! Magic Visual tricks: Watch it come back again (albeit a new colour)
Sex & Violence: Neil stars in a cast of the most beautiful Beyn girls ever seen. Watch in awe as Neil demonstrates his pulling technique using less than three words.
The violence is gory! Cringe as Neil slashes open the belly of an unknown assailant and rips his liver out with a mighty swoop of his talon-like fingers!
Watch & wonder as Neil smokes interesting herbal cigarettes!
See Neil regress through past lives and experience his time as the Messiah and the Houdini-style escape from the crucifixion sequence!
Watch Neil kick, punch & chin-grate his enemies!
An unstoppable Tolkien-Grant Naylor-esque movie the likes of which have never been seen before! Women swooned! Babies cried! Men fought duels to the death to be at the premiere and it was only bloody cancelled.
Monty Python’s: The Life of Neil ~ Buy it NOW, once Labour legalise it!
…yes well it just goes to show there’s not much to do in Wales. Oh and that I wasn’t alone in drinking large amounts of alcohol.
NB – I have blocked certain names as D’s prose is entirely in fun and I do not wish any individuals referenced to rank in google for this post. Any readers who were in school with me can identify the facial hair quartet from the included.