1. Feed me copious amounts of E numbers – it’s not pretty and it’s not clever
2. Challenge me to read all 7 of a certain series of books in one weekend – I will do it and then on finishing will be completely unitelligible for the next 36 hours
3. Ignore my words – I say what I mean but what many hear is not always what I say
4. Give me access to large amounts of coffee – see point 1
5. Put any of the following on the stereo whilst I’m driving: Enter Sandman (Metallica), Eye of the Tiger (Survivor), Paranoid (Black Sabbath), Layla (Cream) – Unless of course you like high-speed crashes

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