Dear Southeastern,

Thank you so much for the notification on train fares rising.

It means so much to me that you think I, along with thousands of my fellow residents, can afford yet another above inflation rise in the price of my ticket that takes my travel costs to nearly a hundred pounds a month. Clearly you have a much higher opinion of me than either my bank or employer.

The gift of assumed economic status is nothing compared to your unparallelled generosity in consistently keeping me on the train in the mornings well past my expected time of arrival (pretty much every week in November) and thus preventing me from wasting my valuable time attending meetings that would only distract me from important matters of the day. You know: like whether I have a towel in my bag to wipe of the sweat from your lavish heating levels.

And it’s touching how concerned you are for my health. You’re quite right of course: being able to sit down on my way into work would be foolish and bad for my heart. Much better to stand and build up my immunity by breathing in my fellow commuter’s germs. Ah Southeastern: you are the line that just keeps giving.

In fact, so impressive is your service that sometimes you’re able to take the entire day off. Sometimes two or three times in a row. Naturally, during your sabbaticals,  I don’t expect you to make alternative arrangements for us mere mortals simply in order that we can go to work. As for safety – well who doesn’t enjoy a good punch up after a hard day’s work?

Personally, I think you do a fine job and that the South East of London is clearly a bastion of wealth, suffering in no way from crushing poverty, unemployent and under investment. Our glorious towers of classic 1950s architecture clearly show the flow of money through the hills of Woolwich, Thamesmead and the like. It is clearly nonsense to talk of the importance of the rising number of commuters being able to get into the city easily as having any impact on the economy of the region. Dear me, that would be like saying public transport has an impact on the economy as well as the environment.

Utter poppycock of course. Personally I can’t stand travelling by train in say France or Hong Kong. I mean what is someone supposed to do with all that space and clean air and if you arrive everywhere on time what do you do with all that extra time you have? Sell it?

So thank you Southeastern – I will give up my hundred pounds a month willingly. What’s that? A funny smell on the notes? Oh pay no attention to that, we’re simply in the process of improving your sensory experience of cash.

Neil

PS – Please find this chocolate log that I baked especially as a token of my appreciation.