Everything I learned about Christmas shopping I learned from reading fantasy:

1. You can only succeed at the end of a long journey.

2. Witches come in all shapes and sizes, even wearing tracksuits. Broom optional.

3. Not everyone who starts the quest will make it to the end. Their sacrifice will not be forgotten.

4. On your return from the magic lands of light you will find your coin has turned to paper.

5. Your wit will come in handy but is no substitute for a good broadsword.

6. A good packhorse is worth its weight in gold.

7. Maps will lie and the roads will shift when you’re not looking.

8. If you wander into an Oubliette Marks and Spencer you’re lost, you must pray for help from afar.

9. The small ones are the most fearsome, avoid if you can.

10. Only when you have stopped looking will you find the object of your quest.