Slight change of pace this week, here’s today’s flash:
Talking Apes
By Neil Beynon
Dear Xthranir the third of the fourth Kranian Empire,
Thank you for the opportunity to read your manuscript Talking Apes Must Be Subjugated. Unfortunately we will have to pass on it this time around.
It was very kind of you to deliver the manuscript by your own battle group and even more thoughtful for you to keep them around until we had finished reading it. I can’t begin to tell you the postage it saved. As requested by your battle group commander I am including feedback.
The premise of your story, that somewhere in the universe primates developed sentience, is a slightly over-used trope in our genre. Although you clearly attempted to bring something new to the idea, it did not entirely succeed for us. It is important to think these ideas through logically – if primates could think would they really spend their time watching electromagnetic pulses trapped in a box?
A note on structure: it was a bold decision to write your manuscript in overlaying multiple person POV running on four concurrent timelines across two realities. I was very impressed with how you overcame the inherent quantum challenges. However, this structure could confuse some readers, particularly those who only move in five dimensions.
The central themes of your story of conquest, thought control and their inherent limitations as an imperial device are of interest to your fellow Kranians but the rest of our galactic readership might find it a little hostile. We are not allowed to use the term sub-kranian as a label for other races. Equally and for much the same reasons you do not need to use the real skin of one of your slaves or write in blood – it’s terrible to read in a low light.
Your battle group commander has insisted that I provide advice for the future and kindly agreed to leave half the planet intact in return for this. My advice is to try and write something more grounded in scientific reality – like sentient ants for example. Perhaps you could explore non-violence as a means of peaceful galactic expansion?
Your battle group commander is now laughing so hard I fear for his wellbeing.
Anyway, I hope these brief notes have been of use and my successor looks forward to receiving new manuscripts from you in the future*.
Best wishes.
Vrishna – Editor, Tales from the Rim
* Note my successor only exists in this realm for eight weeks a year and so you should time your next submission for this period.
I like the way you bring the Kranian characters to life without actually having them appear on stage, just from the narrator’s reactions to them.
Bizarre – I love it!
My first thought was that this has to be a response to Lore Sjoberg’s column, “The Rejection Letter That Time Forgot”. You’re doing something very different but in the same format – the fourth paragraph seems like a direct reference.
Anyway, I think the idea of an imperial power trying to obtain critiques for a work of fiction by pulverising only half an entire planet is pure demented genius, and there are plenty of other laughs and chuckles in there. Thanks for posting!
Was it on your blog that you emphasised what bad form it is to complain about rejection? A salient leson for us all methinks.
Yes, I think it’s bad form. The sending of battle groups is not advised – someone always has a bigger one.
And of course Xthranir the third of the fourth Kranian Empire is still rejected…half a planet or not.
Hi Neil, That was very funny!
It reminded me a little of the book The Timewaster’s Letters, which I found hilarious.
Hejsa!
What can I add to what’s already been said? Funny as heck!
Very amusing, well done! I chuckled aloud.
Thanks all. Glad you liked it.